


i got to do things my own way, darlin

by angryjane



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dealing With Shit™, Gen, Goblins, Oblivious Simon Snow, POV Simon, POV Simon Snow, Post-Canon, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), Simon Snow Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Simon-centric, This Is STUPID, but it's not graphic and i doubt u need a warning really, simon is trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:46:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryjane/pseuds/angryjane
Summary: Simon Snow takes matters into his own hands.He's the fucking Chosen One, after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> heheheheheheheheh

There’s a goblin in the café with me.

I was getting this weird vibe from him, and then I caught him in the reflection on the shiny espresso machine behind the counter.

He’s tall, unbelievably so. He towers over me, which is a feat. Baz is the only person I’ve met who can do that.

He’s got crooked teeth, and his smile is greasy. So is his hair, and his skin, and when he turns to the barista, she leans back a little.

His voice is gross too.

I stand in line behind him patiently pretending to scroll through my phone, but I’m panicking.

I’ve got no magic, no sword, no Baz and no Penny.

Can you punch goblins? Is that a thing?

…First time for everything, right?

He orders one shot of espresso, and when he turns to move away, he catches my eye and winks.

Well shit.

There’s been a whole slew of bastards still after me, since Christmas. On Valentine’s Day, a girl I’d never seen before tried to give me poison flowers and turned out to be a pixie. We were in public, and I’d gotten away, but it was still gross.

There was a rando vampire around here just the other day, saying he was sure he’d get power if he got a taste of my blood. Penny had taken care of him quickly.

I hate this helpless feeling. Even before, when I’d been shit with a wand, I’d had my sword when I needed it. It only came sometimes now.

The goblin is sitting down now, and I’m stuttering an order, anything, and I leave before picking it up. I can get coffee another time.

I didn’t need it anyway.

 

 

It’s two days later when I see him again.

I’d brushed it off as over and done with, but it’s the same dude. He’s wearing a shabby coat, and it hangs in tatters over his wiry frame. Cheap shades cover his eyes.

He’s on a park bench across the street from the bookshop I work at. Not even pretending to be doing anything but watch me.

His skin looks sickly and green in the light, almost like he wears the disguise too thin.

I leave out the back door at the end of my shift, and run home.

 

 

“Are you alright, SI?” Penny’s got her Worried Voice™ on, and her glasses slip down her nose so she can watch me over the rim. “You’ve been on edge all week. Did the nightmares start up again?”

“No,” I lie, but that’s not what this is about, “I... there’s a goblin after me.”

She waves a hand at me, “That’s nothing we can’t take care of, right?”

“Pen, you don’t get it.” It comes out grated, tense, and why am I getting so worked up over this? “I hate this. I hate feeling so helpless, so dumb. You and Baz have to protect me all the time!”

“That’s what family is for, Si—“ Penny protests, but I stand up, my chair scraping back loudly and she stops.

“Whatever.” And I leave, but that’s not a solution.

I just don’t know what is.

 

 

He’s in the shop now.

I’ve decided to call him Jeremy.

He’s a lumbering fellow, really. Limbs are too long, and you can tell he’s not used to his skin.

“How can I help you?” I ask him, and I’m not entirely sure why I do. I’m being stupid, I’m being reckless, but dammit if this doesn’t this make me feel strong again.

He looks at me, blinks, then turns and runs from the shop.

Is.

Is he… afraid of _me?_

 

 

Jeremy is back.

He changed his skin a little, probably thinking he’s hiding from me, but I know better.

He’s a chubby bearded man now, with buggy eyes and a splotchy complexion. He really ought to have chosen a more attractive disguise.

“Why are you following me?” I ask him, cornered in the back of the shop.

He furrows his brow, plays dumb.

“I know you are, what do you want?” I sigh, tightening my grip on the broom I’m holding, “I don’t have any magic to give you, why is there a price on my head? What do I have to offer you?”

“I… have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I glare, and he steps back a little.

“Don’t play dumb.” I tell him, and he crosses his arms. I do too.

“What the bloody hell are you talking about? Who are you? Why would i be following you?” His face, that splotchy thing, is reddening and his eyes are squinty, and I can feel myself getting angry too. It’s part frustration, part hurt. I can’t even get a random goblin to tell me what he’s after. What kind of Chosen One am I? I think I’d be going off right about now.

Somehow, I miss it.

“Who the fuck am I? You know bloody well who I am! Who sent you? The Families? They still after me? After everything that happened? I can’t believe—“

“Simon!” My head snaps up, and my boss, Jessica, is standing at the end of the row, framed by the towering shelves and furious.

“Why are you yelling at a customer?” She demands, then turns to Jeremy. “I’m so sorry sir, why don’t you come right this way and…” She leads him off, shooting a glare over her shoulder on the way.

Dammit.

I’m calming down, reining the upsetti spaghetti back into its bowl when I notice someone peeking around the corner of the shelf beside me.

It’s Jeremy—in the tall, greasy form. I start, glancing behind me to where Jessica is still talking to the chubby, red-faced man.

I look back at Jeremy. He peers back at me.

I look at Jessica—the man is still with her.

Whoops.

Jeremy leaves before I can get a word in.

It’s probably for the best.


	2. Chapter 2

On Saturday, Jeremy is in the shop again.

I don’t work Sunday.

On Monday, he offers me a coffee, but I turn it down because I think it might be poisoned.

On Tuesday, I’m reshelving books when I turn around and he’s just _there_ , watching me, eyes cutting back and forth and drooping. His face looks hollow today, like he’s sad or hungry. I used to look like that at the start of the term each year.

I feel an odd kinship for this guy.

“Hiya.” I say, putting _the Great Gatsby_ into the two-dollar bin, “What’s up?”

He blinks at me, nods, and says, “I’m going to kill you.”

I snort. “That’s not very nice, Jeremy.”

“My name’s not Jeremy.”

I ignore him. “It’s not proper to kill your friends,” I continue, ducking my head a little to hide my grin. How does Baz do this? Be a prick with a straight face?  
“We’re not friends.”  
I start, looking up at him with my best doe eyes. “We’re not?”

He tilts his head at me, and so I put on my best theatrics. Hang my head, sniffle the slightest bit, tense my shoulders.

“Fine. We’re friends.” I giggle the slightest bit at that, going back to my books, “But I’m still going to kill you.”

“Rude.” I scoff, and he leaves.

“I made a new friends.” I tell Baz that night, sitting up in his lap while he plays with my hair. He has some weird obsession with it. My hair and my moles. And my eyes. And mouth. And wait; actually, maybe Baz is just a little obsessed with _me._

Good to know this isn’t a one-way street.

“Is that so?” He mumbles, fingers sliding down my cheekbones now. Baz only mumbles when he’s too distracted to care about annunciation. He says I mumble always.

“Yeah. His name’s Jeremy.”

“Mm.” He hums, tugging on my hair again. I like the way his skin looks against mine. I like the way my fingers look in his hair.

“I met him at a coffee shop. Sorta.” I tell him, leaning forward a little to bury my nose in his collarbone. He’s not wearing a shirt, and I can smell his posh soap stronger than ever. He’s pale, and sorta skinny, but I like him like this.

“He says he’s gonna kill me.” I giggle, nosing further against Baz’s skin.

“I said that, and look where it got us.” He slides his hands up and down my back. They’re cold, and I shiver. “Don’t you go snogging this bloke in a forest.” He scolds, and I laugh again.

“He’s a goblin.” I say, and Baz pinches me.

“Why are you making friends with goblins?” He sounds amused, not concerned like Penny did.

“Because I want to.” I say, turning my head so I can look up at him. He’s so fucking tall.

“You’re ridiculous.” He tells me, but leans down and puts a kiss on my nose anyway.

 

“Are you ever gonna actually do anything, or just stalk me like a weirdo?”

I’m in a park this time when I see him, hardly hidden behind a tree.

“I’m…. plotting.” He tries, ducking his head sheepishly. I wasn’t aware goblins could _be_ sheepish, but. Here we are.

“Jeremy, look-“

“My name’s not Jeremy-“

“-Why are you even after me?”

That gives him pause. He digs his ratty shoes in the grass, shrugging.

“…You’re Simon Snow. Maybe if I kill you, the others will respect me.”

I laugh at that. It’s mean of me, isn’t it? But he reminds me of younger Baz, in a way, and it freaks me out a little. “Fuck that, man.” I tell him earnestly, flopping onto the ground. “You know what, Jer? Can I call you Jer?”

“My name’s not Jeremy-“

“You know what, Jer?” I interrupt, grinning up at him, “I think you’re alright.”

“Whatever happened to that goblin who was following you around?” Penny asks a week later, flipping a page in her book.   
“Oh, I made friends with him. We’re cool now.”

She drops her book. “You _what?”_

I giggle, smiling at her.

I gotta say, I like my way better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posadfjgn this was dumb but it was fun :))))
> 
> what do y'all want to see from me next??? suggestions would be lovely!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> comments would be LOVELY
> 
> uwu uwu have a nice day!! will update soon! it'll probably be short and sweet, soooo


End file.
